He was a great man and lived a good life on his own terms and with a sense of humor. Before his time came I shared the following thoughts with him in a letter and I shared them with his friends and family at his funeral:

A few years ago I bought my dad a Father’s Day card, shaped like a license plate the cover said, “And Dad said…We’re not lost, we’re just taking the scenic route.” Inside the message said, “Thanks for showing me so much of the world.” I added to it a note saying that I didn’t think we had ever been lost (or at least not for long), but we had certainly taken the scenic route more often than not.

When I read it again recently, it got me thinking about Dad and I taking the scenic route and about the kind of time we spent together. I am so grateful that although we didn’t spend as much time together as some fathers and daughters, most of our time together was truly quality time. We took motorcycle rides, visited museums and beautiful places, and spent a lot of time visiting and telling stories with friends and family in kitchens, garages and barns. When we were together I learned a lot about my dad and his view of the world.

He taught me to enjoy the journey. Whatever our destination on a motorcycle trip, he tried to take the secondary highways where we could enjoy some natural scenery and go through small towns along the way. Now that I’m older I see how many people struggle with that, literally and figuratively. Thanks to Dad I know that sometimes it’s better to enjoy the trip than to focus so intensely on the goal that you’re miserable on the way there. It’s as true on a motorcycle trip as it is in a person’s approach to life in general.

He taught me other things as well, probably without really thinking about it. Watching him I saw the importance he placed on family and good true friends and I learned to value people more than things. He taught me a lot about being yourself, and not being afraid to express yourself and speak your mind, even when others might think it’s odd or disagree. While I might have been embarrassed once or twice, the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve been proud of his colorful overalls and outspoken opinions, and the more they’ve helped me to have to courage to show my true colors.

Over the years Dad might have told a few colorful jokes that some people would be offended by, but at the same time I knew by the way he treated people, that he didn’t judge people by their skin color or other superficial characteristics. Dad never hid his admiration for the female form, but at the same time I saw the love and respect that he gave to the women in his family – mother, aunts and cousins, and I never doubted that he believed that I could do anything I set my mind to.

I’ve always been proud to call him “Dad” and I’m prouder still when people tell me that I’m like him. He was a colorful character with character. For anyone who knew him, his eccentricities did not overshadow his integrity. By his example and in his honor, I will continue to be strong, true to myself and good to the people that are good to me, and always remember to have a sense of humor, even in the face of life’s biggest challenges.

It didn’t quite work that way. From high school to college and beyond, while self-confidence grew along with self-awareness, there was no magic moment in which I became a woman and began to exude this supreme confidence that I envisioned when Mr. Brown misquoted Shakespeare. Now there are moments when I feel quite comfortable with who I am, in all the ordinary and enlightened senses of that statement. There are times that I can look back on my past selves, at 13, 18, or 24 and bless them for all their struggles and adventures that brought me to my current sense of self and confidence.

Yet there are still moments when my confidence can be shaken to the core, when I fell like the new girl again, waiting for the homeroom bell to ring for the first day at a new school, when a well-dressed and pretty “popular” girl walked by, looked down her nose at me and asked her friends “What is that?” with disdain. It can be a rude comment from a stranger, a displeased expression on the face of a yoga student during a class, or any other rejection or perceived judgment from another human being. At these moments I often think of Mr. Brown’s feminist re-write – “Confidence, thy name is woman!” – and I wonder why it can be so easy to shake mine.

I suppose it’s just part of the human condition. When I’m practicing yoga regularly, both on the mat and in the spiritual sense, confidence comes more easily. I love myself and the world, and I can avoid taking personally the real or perceived negative energy that might be flung in my general direction. Sometimes I can “do everything for the joy of doing it,” stay present and let go of my concerns with results. Other times my own negative energy and thoughts come into play. So I’m thinking that supreme confidence must come with enlightenment, and I’m just going to keep practicing it along with all the other yoga practices for achieving a happy, healthy and holy life.

(I’d also like to thank Mr. Brown for repeating that phrase enough that I believe it should be so. I still use a little algebra from time to time too.)

However, when I start to think about balance in terms of life in general, I quickly become overwhelmed by trying to get everything into balance at once. Trying to find balance in my life becomes an exercise in figuring out how to do everything I think I should be doing and be everything I think I should be. Balance becomes a to-do list of what it takes in my opinion to be a balanced version of myself, and that list can get quite long and start to feel like all effort and very little ease.

I start to picture a teeter totter (or see-saw, you know, they had them on playgrounds when we were kids…) on which I’m balancing the need to do my own daily yoga and meditation practice, exercise my dog, keep a clean house and maybe get a home improvement project done, have nicer hair and nails, and lose a few pounds, and write more, and prepare something new and exciting for each yoga class I teach, and keep up on my reading, and pay off debt and save for a house, and keep in touch with my family, and eat right and prepare healthy meals and maybe start a family…and isn’t that enough? But there’s more. There are clothes to be ironed, a closet to be reorganized and grout to be cleaned,… and I’m starting to see skin damage freckles that I should do something about…And then I’m exhausted just thinking of it and I want to sit on the couch and watch an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.(I’ve had a little addiction to Buffy lately. I’m not sure what that’s about.)

But doesn’t all that stuff need to be done for me to be balanced? Maybe if I can devise a weekly schedule with time for all of those things, I will find a secret formula for being healthy and happy and balanced.

Or maybe, as I’ve found when teaching yoga classes, its better to sneak up on balance. There’s no need to announce to the class that “Now we are going to do some balance postures,” so that everyone tenses up for the challenge, any more than there’s a need to to try to bring every aspect of life into perfect balance in one moment or one week with a rigorous and overly planned schedule. As I move from one pose to another in a yoga practice, sometimes I just end up in a trickier balance posture, and sometimes the pose feels that much more natural when it is a bit of a surprise.

I’m starting to think that’s the key to balancing in life. Just keep moving through it and those moments of balance will come as long as you keep trying. Sometimes there’s more effort, sometimes there’s more ease, and sometimes you find balance, often when you least expect it.

I

However, I’ve had a bit of a light bulb moment. (You know, when you realize something, and feel the light bulb appear over your head, like in cartoons?) While I was remaining calm and being thankful for what I have, I’ve been in a bit of a holding pattern, a let’s-just-manage-to-maintain-the-status-quo holding pattern.

Okay, I’ll admit, it took an outside influence to turn the light on. I watched The Secret after a friend recommended it. It’s very inspiring. Nothing really new, just great reminders – visualize the life you want, believe that you can and will have it, go after it. I realized that the bit I really was missing out on was the vision. All I was concerned with for a while was not letting things get any worse. I wasn’t letting myself visualize the life I want – the ideal livelihood, the house, the family, etc. I wasn’t asking for any more and I was not receiving any more than what I already had.

Not surprisingly, with the vision of what I really want in my life set in my mind, I’m finding that there is a little more time in each day. A little more time to do the things that will help to make the vision a reality – marketing my yoga teaching to find and create more fulfilling and profitable opportunities, keeping the house a little cleaner, taking a little better care of myself.

I know self help books can be cheesy, but at the same time, we can all use a reminder from time to time about the things we inherently know. It’s better to approach life full of love than full of fear. Be thankful for your blessings. Start each day with a sense of purpose. Your attitude makes all the difference in the world to whether you have a good day or bad day. We’ve all heard this kind of thing before. But we forget sometimes, and sometimes a good book or an inspiring movie can be just the reminder we need to get back on track.

Anyway, I’m just glad I found the message I needed to keep living my best life.

I had the big launch of the blog on October 9th, posted twice more in October and then…nothing until May 30th? Why? There are so many reasons…or are they excuses? I had a personal health issue that was relatively minor, but could have impacts on fertility. So I let a little fear creep up about that. Despite my attempts to stay focused on gratitude, I began to give in to fears about finances. Then just before Thanksgiving, my dad was diagnosed with Leukemia. That really freaked me out. In December I gave into my worries, indulged in the treats of the holiday season, and gained a few pounds.

So in January, I joined LoCo Boot Camp, founded by a friend of mine, to whip myself back into shape, and added a few new classes to my yoga teaching schedule, so I was busy and tired. In the beginning of February, I had surgery to remove a large Uterine Fibroid and spent the rest of the month in recovery. As soon as I was fully recovered I got back to teaching and my friend and I started to collaborate on a Yoga Boot Camp to be offered three times a day, starting April 19^th. We put in hours of work agreeing upon a concept for the workouts, designing marketing materials, spreading the word about it.

Then April 19^th came and only a few people signed up for Yoga Boot Camp. It was a big disappointment. I was convinced that LoCo Yoga Boot Camp was going to be my vehicle to productive and profitable full employment in yoga teaching. When that didn’t prove to be the case, I had to regroup and come up with another plan.

So the last seven months have been eventful. But it all seemed too much, too heavy, too personal to blog about. I felt too overwhelmed and stressed to take time to write about it. And yet, what would have done me a world of good? Probably making time to reflect and write down my thoughts. I love writing, especially about things I know well. And what do I know better than my own life? The very act of writing down my thoughts and feelings can help to sort them out, release fears, gain perspective. Writing it all down can help me to know myself even better.

So here’s to trying again to establish a good habit. Sometimes it seems as if life could be defined by the effort to adopt good habits and eliminate the bad ones – Drink more water. Drink less wine. Get in shape. Eat  more veggies. Keep the house clean. Reduce caffeine. Sigh. I’ll try to make my next blog post before December.

In the last few months, I’ve been focused on abundance, on seeing the cup half full to overflowing. Losing a job is a scary thing, but I knew that if I focused on the fear I would be lost. Focusing on the fear would mean replacing job-related stress with financial stress, paralyzing myself and preventing myself from being open to the opportunities that I was sure would unfold. My career thus far has not been so much driven by me, but has seemed to unfold one step at a time, taking new turns over time, new doors opening conveniently just as old doors were closing. I knew I had to trust that this would continue to happen and be patient. Compared to all the blessings and abundance in my life, a layoff is just a small setback.

That mind set was easy to maintain for the first couple of months. I found new yoga classes to teach, doors  opened, and I gained confidence in teaching. It was summer and it felt good and right to have a lighter schedule. I took a two-week road trip to visit family and friends. I wrote a couple of grant proposals for an acquaintance. Things seemed to be flowing and my family’s financial boat was staying afloat despite my reduced income.

Then summer started changing into fall, and perhaps I felt that I should be getting back to work as the kids were going back to school. I applied for a full time job that offered a flexible schedule that would allow me to keep up my yoga teaching. I started to think that might be the next leg of my path, forging a balance between the professional career that had been advancing for the last 10 years and the new calling of yoga teaching. And then I didn’t get that job. And I was disappointed. As much as I like my new independence, the security and stability of a good old fashioned job has its attractions. Whether it was the passing of time, or not getting that job, my comfort level with this transitional time has decreased. I’m starting to let the fear creep into my thinking.

So as my friend reminded me of gratitude this morning, it occurred to me that a little gratitude could be the key to keeping the fear at bay. I truly have a lot to be thankful for – I have a handsome and supportive husband, I have this time to figure out where my life is going and how I will make my living in this next bend in the path, I have a nurturing network of friends, I have students that keep coming back to my classes and appreciating what I am sharing with them, I have a break that I needed (and asked for silently to myself) from what had become a high-pressure career, I have a lovely dog that makes me smile every day…I have everything I need. Maybe by remembering to be grateful for all that I have, I can release the fear of not having enough. Through gratitude for all my blessings, I can find the peace to honor this time of transition, to have faith and patience that all will unfold as it should.

Thank you and many blessings to you!

Wendy

Mind you, I don’t realize that I am extrapolating so wildly at the time…It seems only logical that for someone to be a popular yoga teacher with a good following, and to be so fit and happy, they must be so much more together than me! They must have so much more discipline and dedication than I do. Here is a real live person that I know, not a wise old guru in India, or a famous yogi on the cover of Yoga Journal, but someone I know, and therefore someone whose example that I might be able to follow in my own quest for health and happiness. If someone I know and see on a weekly basis can be so disciplined, then why can’t I? So this person that I have put on a pedestal becomes another way for me not to measure up.

Does that seem like a leap? Work with me here. You see, the real person that I know is not the same person that I have up on the pedestal. The real yoga teacher that I know, as I have discovered by getting to know her better, does have an occasional cheeseburger, and struggles just like I do to make time for her personal practice, and even drinks a Coke once in a while. And knowing that doesn’t make me admire her any less!

This discovery of my pedestal habit is telling me two things: 1) I need to be aware of and limit the creative writing that happens in my head about people. I need to let the truth reveal itself as I get to know people better, and see my friends clearly and honestly. 2) I need to be kinder to myself. If friends that I admire are in fact more like me than I think, then maybe I’m doing okay in my quest to become a better version of myself.

Namaste!

I’m not sure where to start really. Should the heading be “Dear Blog” or “Dear Readers” or something else entirely? Well, the important thing is to start. So here I am, blogging. I’ve been thinking about this for months, ever since I found myself struggling to write hand-written journal entries for my yoga teacher training. Then a few weeks ago I saw the movie Julie and Julia with my neighbor. It was a cute and inspiring story and the main character learns a lot about herself, takes charge of her life and learns not to “sweat the small stuff” through a blog. I thought to myself, “That’s what yoga does too. Maybe if I start my blog about yoga, I can accelerate this process for myself.”

So I’m Wendy. I’m very happily married to the best guy I ever met, Bill Kelly, and I’m the proud caretaker of a lovable, energetic border collie named Ned. Those two beings are my family. If I send Bill off to work with a cup of coffee and a sandwich for lunch and make sure Ned gets enough exercise to be tired at least once a day, then I’m most of the way towards having a good day myself.

I’m also a certified yoga instructor and I’ve been practicing yoga for about 10 years. I love it and consider it an important part of my life. So finding time for a little yoga each day is another part of having a good day, and I’m trying to improve my meditation habit as well.

In my professional career I have been a program manager for an environmental non-profit, an executive director of a neighborhood community development corporation, an assistant town manager and a deputy county administrator. I’ve always tried to work to make the world, or at least some part of the world, a better place. However, over the years I have been deeply dismayed to find how cruelly a person (like myself) can be treated by others that misunderstand or disagree with the decisions being made or projects moving forward. And then a few months ago I was laid off from my county position as part of a “reduction in force” due to the state of the economy and necessary budget cuts, along with 19 other people. For me, this may have been a blessing.

I completed my yoga teacher training and achieved my certification in mid-May, and was notified that I would be laid off at the end of May. I thought these two events occurring so close together was not just a coincidence, but perhaps a sign that I should take this opportunity to make my life more as I would like it to be. After all, becoming a yoga teacher has long been my dream job. So how do you take that dream and make it a reality, a reality that includes continuing to contribute to our family’s financial well-being? Good question. I’m still figuring that out. More later.

I’m also a regular woman, full of great strengths as well as a few insecurities, one or two neurotic behaviors and a couple weaknesses. For instance, I’ve had a lifelong struggle with my weight. I’ve weighed 150 on average for most of my adult life. I always had a “goal weight” in mind of 125 pounds. That was the heaviest weight of a model or actress reported in some magazine I read in high school. I frequently dieted and rarely came close to achieving the 125lb. goal weight.  I had a couple heavy years right after college where I was 15 or 20 pounds heavier than that, and I had a couple fit years after that when I was 135 to 140. But unless I’m vigilant, the scale always seems to creep back around 150. This isn’t an awful weight. But I feel a lot more comfortable and confident at 140. So how do I shift the scale down 10 pounds and keep it there? And still eat foods that I love including cookies and ice cream? These are more good questions that we will be discussing as I continue to write. (And the weight was just one example of the bad habits I’m trying to overcome.)

So this is it in a nut shell: I am a woman, working to become the best version of myself, striving to be a good wife, a good caretaker for my dog, and a good yogi, trying to make a living, be in great shape, and be happy, and trying to find the right path and the right balance to achieve all that (and more) at once. So sometimes my posts might be about a great yoga workshop I attended, my work to get into a challenging pose, or an enlightening thought that occurred to me while walking with Ned on the beach. Other times they might be about a great recipe I tried, the healthy ways I’m eating to try to find that “perfect weight,” or my frustration that I can’t even have one glass of wine a night and still lose weight. This might end up being a bit like Bridget Jones Diary meets the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, if you can imagine that.

So, welcome to Wendy’s world.